Justin Gilpatrick swears he'll never drink again after a terrible ordeal that saw him pass out in a dumpster and almost get crushed to death in the back of a recycling truck. Apparently Justin crawled into the dumpster when he was too wasted to get himself home, and was sleeping soundly when the recycling truck picked up the load. The driver had no idea there was a snoozing drunk in his truck so he compacted the load. Twice. And somehow Justin wasn't crushed to death. He emerged from the ordeal with only minor injuries, proving the old adage about Jesus protecting babies, drunks and dudes named Justin. He was DOUBLE protected by Jesus.
Oh yeah, I'm pretty jealous of Justin Gilpatrick. Years of drinking and I don't have a story anywhere near this awesome. Next time I'm blind drunk I'm going to climb in a dumpster and see if I can get picked up by a truck. Think Jesus will protect me from being crushed? Mmm, probably not after all the bad shit I've said about him. I better get right with Jesus before I try anything that stupid. Can't expect Jesus to waste his power on heathens. I want him to protect me so I can tell my awesome drunk story. Shit, but I don't have any friends to tell the story. I better get some friends then. Eh fuck it, too much work.