The Jade Rabbit rover was sent to the moon with completely benign scientific intentions, NOT as some preliminary step in China's ultimate plan to build a base on the moon from which to launch nuclear attacks against its enemies.
Yeah, try telling Russia that after they see this image. There's the Jade Rabbit rover, and what's that picture in the background? Oh nothing, just a shot of the earth with a giant mushroom cloud right over Moscow. Who is putting together the displays for China's space agency now, Dr. Evil?
Only Dr. Evil would be deranged enough to conceive a plan involving a fricking lunar base armed with fricking nuclear missiles and also inept enough to give the entire plan away in the background of a cheesy convention display. Newt Gingrich can't believe what a dope this guy is.
Rational people on Reddit are suggesting the mushroom-cloud-over-Moscow picture was just a stock image stolen off the net by whoever designed the display, and this lazy Chinese bastard either didn't notice the mushroom cloud or noticed it and thought it would be funny to leave on. So the Chinese aren't planning to launch a nuclear attack from the moon, people of Reddit?
As I suspected, Reddit is nothing but a giant Chinese-government-controlled misinformation outlet and probable mind-control contraption. That explains all the cat pictures. They're trying to lull us into a feline-cuteness-induced trance, and when we're not paying attention anymore because oh my God fluffy, so adorable?
Lorde did a Reddit AMA and of course it exploded into a supernova of orgasmic coolness. Yes I just used the word "orgasmic" in a post about a 17-year-old. Deal with it.
At least ten bazillion people bombarded Lorde with questions during her AMA. She responded to several of them (she only had an hour; give her a break). Here are the coolest responses from Madam Lorde the Queen of All Coolness (stay the fuck away from her Perez).
Q: Do you regret going into the music industry so young?
Lorde: actually, no. i feel like i learnt early on how things worked and that gave me a good understanding of what could be fucked with/which rules were dumb and shouldn't have to be followed. plus, i can sit down with basically the most intimidating people in the industry and not flinch. and maybe even make them flinch. or cry. heh.
Q: Are you confident in your stage performance?
A: i know when i'm onstage, i don't think about how it looks, i just concentrate on really feeling what i hear. but i totally know i look like gollum when i perform, so it's cool.
Q: What is your favorite book and movie?
A: favourite book is a tie between: what we talk about when we talk about love - raymond carver the night in question - tobias wolff everything ravaged, everything burned - wells tower battleborn - claire vaye watkins
and favourite film is probably a tie between take shelter fight club willy wonka and the chocolate factory (1971 version)
Q: Have you ever met Ezra Koenig (of Vampire Weekend)?
A: not sure yet! obviously it's hard at the moment, although i do read theses/academic writing from teachers regularly. i read this cool thing jennifer lawrence said the other day about learning about the world through books vs. her real world experience, and i'm definitely feelin that right now. but maybe that's just a lazy person's excuse
Can Jennifer Lawrence and Lorde become besties? Can I come too????
The filthy Communistic sneaky Red Chinese have landed a rover on the moon. No this is not the first line of a plot description for the next James Bond movie, it's a real thing that's happening. Early Saturday the China-made, China-launched Chang’e-3 touched down in the moon's Bay of Rainbows and started puttering around, sending back boring pictures of sand and shit. China joins the United States and Russia as the only countries that have ever landed vehicles on the surface of the moon.
Ann Coulter responded to the news by immediately calling for China to be nuked off the face of the earth. But so fucking what? Someone in China flushes a toilet, Ann Coulter calls for China to be nuked. She must have gotten jilted by an Asian dude in college or something. Yo Ann, chill out okay? It's not the guy's fault. He thought you were a tranny. Honest mistake. I mean look at yourself some time.
Conspiracy theorists have put forth the completely unpredictable position that China didn't really land anything on the moon and the whole thing is a hoax. Well duh. Everyone knows the moon itself doesn't even exist. It's an image projected onto the blank screen of the sky from a giant lamp located somewhere in the South Pacific. I mean think about it. How can you have a giant ball hovering in the sky? Giant balls don't hover in the sky, they bounce around. Stupid sheeple.
Ted Cruz is expected to give a press conference tonight explaining exactly why we should be terrified of a Chinese moon rover and how it's all Obama's fault this is happening and he should immediately be impeached. Obama will respond as soon as he gets done chewing gum and playing pinball.
While most mortals were asleep last night, dreaming their boring little mortal dreams, Beyonce was up making history. In the wee hours of the evening with no one looking, Beyonce dropped her new record "Beyonce." No advance warning. No promotion at all. One second there was no Beyonce album anywhere, there was not even a hint of its existence. The next second it was up on the net for downloading BY ALL.
Social media blew up like a tourist's bowels in a Mexican outhouse. Facebook postings, tweets, Tumblrs, whatever they call shit you put on Google+. OMG BEYONCE JUST PUT OUT A NEW ALBUM WITHOUT TELLING NOBODY SHE IS THE QUEEN OF ALL EVERYTHINGS. That pretty much captures the public response. The buzz got so loud you could barely hear yourself calling Beyonce a bitch.
A marketing coup by Beyonce? Perhaps. But the next day, the sinister whispers began. What was Beyonce's REAL motive for sneaking her album out to the public without any ahead-of-time promotion, certain hater-types asked, twirling their mustache and making a suspicious eyebrow-raised expression, perhaps while stroking a large white cat.
Rumors began circulating. The REAL reason Beyonce snuck the record out was because her record company hates it. They wanted her to scrap the record altogether. So Beyonce says, I'll put the record out without spending a dime on promotion, and if it sells the record company will be shamed into getting behind it. If it doesn't sell I'll just say it was leaked before it was finished.
Beyonce: genius at creating internet buzz via secret album drops, or perpetrator of desperate middle-of-the-night shenanigans? You decide.
I am pretty good at reading between the lines, so I got all kinds of suspicious when I saw this stuff about Bruce Jenner going in to get his Adam's apple shaved down. The warning bell went off right around the point Bruce denied he was getting a sex change but was having his Adam's apple pared because "I just never liked my trachea."
DING DONG TRANNY ALERT.
What kind of man looks at himself in a mirror and begins obsessing over the appearance of his trachea? Exactly. The kind that doesn't want to be a man at all. First the Adam's apple gets shrunk, then the hormone therapy starts because BOOBIES, then the split-and-tuck.
Bruce's choice. Not criticizing him. It's his money, his weenie. Go to town Bruce. Become the lady you've always been inside. But don't bullshit us, bro. Don't act like shrinking your Adam's apple is a mere aesthetic choice. You wanna be a chick.
Tell me Bruce, did this urge to completely emasculate yourself first appear before or after you hooked up with Kris Jenner? Just wondering.
North Korean overlord Kim Jong Un will not have any bitch-ass traitors around and don't be pulling the family card cause that shit don't fly with the Un-man. Don't believe me, just ask Kim Jong Un's uncle oh wait you can't cause Kim Jong Un ordered death on that traitor-ass fuck and today the sentence was carried out. Kim Jong Un is gangster as FUCK y'all.
Jang Song Tthaek, the uncle, was arrested along with his aides last month as part of a massive Stalin-like purge of everyone who was giving Kim Jong Un a pain in his ass at that particular time. For added fun, Kim Jong sent his own pistol-packing brother along to arrest Jang Song. And that wasn't all. Kim Jong's aunt went along for the ride too. Yup, the wife of the guy who got arrested. Oh NO.
What the hell was that scene like? "Oh honey it's so sweet of you to drop by and visit me at work, hey nephew why are you pointing that weapon at my sternum, what do you mean come with you this is a purge OH MY GOD DON'T FORCE ME TO MY KNEES AND CUFF ME I'M SORRY ABOUT THE NOOGIES I WAS JUST MESSING AROUND."
Yup, North Korea is just a fucking mess. It's like Harry Reid runs the whole place or something.
It's been a pretty solid year for celebrity mugshots. Some pretty famous people fucked up their lives this year and posed for some nice mugs. Let's count down the top 10 as ranked by a committee of me and everyone else can fuck the fuck off cause I'm always right. Number 10...
#10 Four-Way Tie DMX
DMX got arrested four times. The mugs are like the four stages of DMX. Slightly pissed, somewhat pissed, about to open a can of whup-ass-on-someone's ass, resigned.
#9 David Cassidy
No I am not fucking Larry Flynt, Larry Flynt is in a fucking wheelchair you fucking idiot.
Leading the Catholic church out of the darkness of the Ratzinger era trumped twerking in Time's Person of the Year selection process. Pope Francis, you are Person of the Year. Miley Cyrus, you are just a hot mess. Miley needs to spend more time sneaking out of the Vatican at night to help the homeless and less time posting selfies.
Actually it wasn't even close for Miley, who failed to make the finalists list. Time's finalists were Good Guy Pope, Edward Snowdon, Edith Windsor, Ted Cruz and Bashar Assad the President of Syria. Obama finished tied for last along with Miley, me and everyone else in the world except the people on the finalists' list. Hear that everyone? I'm as big as Miley and Obama!
Here are 8 facts about Person of the Year Pope Francis aka Jorge Bergoglia, culled from USA Today (cause I'm too lazy to look up shit about this guy).
1. As archbishop of Buenos Aires, Bergoglia traveled by bus and cooked his own meals. Just like the band Scorpions.
2. In addition to his native Spanish, Pope Francis also speaks Italian and German. But not English, the anti-American cocksucker.
3. Francis reportedly received the second-most votes after Joseph Ratzinger in the 2005 papal election. He would have won but Ratzinger cheated by threatening to burn certain pro-Francis cardinals' faces off with his lightning-fingers.
4. Bergoglio never lived in the ornate church mansion in Buenos Aires during his time as archbishop. Instead, he preferred a simple bed in a downtown room heated by a small stove. Because it was closer to the hoes.
5. When he was elected pope, Francis chose not to wear the red shoes made for him. Instead, he wore his black shoes from Buenos Aires. Red shoes are totally for fags.
6. Pope Francis @Pontifex has 3,348,650 followers on Twitter. He's coming for you Bieber!!!
7. Francis celebrated his first Holy Thursday Mass in a youth prison in Rome. Things got pretty god damn holy up in there too, if you know what I mean.
8. He had part of one lung removed when he was young, according to the Vatican. But he can still yodel like a motherfucker.
Did Lindsay Lohan order her friend to beat the fuck out of Paris Hilton's little brother Barron? That is what the Hiltons allege. They say Lindsay got angry at Barron over an insult and told her friend to kick Barron's ass. Lindsay is denying it. She would show you how innocent she is by making an innocent face but her face no longer moves.
How do you separate fact from conjecture in a case like this? Let's first lay out what we know. We know Lindsay and Barron were at the same party in Miami Beach Friday. We know Barron got his ass beat by an unnamed assailant who then fled in a green SUV. We know Lindsay had words with Barron after the attack because TMZ has video.
Barron Hilton is flat out accusing Lindsay of ordering the attack. Dina Lohan has rushed to her daughter's defense as fast as you can rush when you are incredibly drunk and probably suffering from STD-related brain damage. "TMZ does not have the facts," Dina said after reading the website's report. "Everything they're saying is not based on fact."
Dina has a completely different set of facts that support her side of the story. And she will happily give you those facts as soon as she is done snorting a few lines.
And where is Lindsay now? Lindsay has gone completely silent in the wake of this new controversy. Good strategy Linds. Hide out and let your stupid family members make your excuses. God, I hope this mess doesn't trigger a relapse. Does Lindsay have her life coach with her? She needs her life coach.
Look, I'm not going to defend Lindsay here. When all the world's eyes are upon you, it doesn't pay to let shit get under your skin. You gotta let shit slide. You gotta remember that you're Lindsay and they're all just haters. Barron Hilton ain't really worth it, you know? No Hilton is worth it.
You've been doing so good Lindsay. Don't throw it all away over a stupid vendetta. Yes I know the Hiltons made your life miserable back in the day, hanging the Firecrotch tag on you and such. But you gotta be bigger than this. You're Lindsay Fucking Lohan. They're Hiltons.
Walk away Lindsay. Just walk away.