Kelly Osbourne Is Mad At Jean-Paul Gaultier For Amy Winehouse-Inspired Fashion Show

Kelly Osbourne has slammed Jean-Paul Gaultier for dressing up his models like Amy Winehouse at Haute Couture Fashion Week in Paris. Kelly ranted in a tweet, "Although @JPGaultier was paying homage to my friend & icon to the world, I found it to be lucratively selfish and distasteful. Exploitation=evil." Hold on a second. Did Kelly Osbourne just accuse someone else of having poor taste? Oh Kelly. Thaaaank you darling. It's been so long since I laughed hard enough to puke.

Here's what I would tweet back at Kelly Osbourne were I in a mood to do such a thing. "You stupid twat no one cares what you think and no one cares that you were friends with Amy Winehouse she was a self-destructive idiot and I hope you end up killing yourself with booze the same way she did ha ha ha you dumb cunt who appointed you a guardian of good taste anyway have you looked at yourself in a mirror lately I've seen dying crackhead trannies who looked better why don't you take meth and peel your own face off you ugly cooze." Or words to that effect.

Woman Arrested Over $6 Blow-Job

Misty Kullman took 6 bucks to blow a dude outside a parked car and ended up arrested. Chin up Misty. We've all been there. What, you're saying you've never sucked a dude off for pocket change and gotten hauled in by the pigs? Yeah sure. And I suppose you've never flogged a guy to death with a pipe for 40 dollars and the title to a '79 Aspen with a blown radiator either. Pull the other one asshole.

You know what sucks about this story? Misty got the dime dropped on her by the guy she sucked off. The cops rolled up after a report of suspicious activity and the dude got nervous and started squealing. Fuck man, why can't people just clam the fuck up? Misty got run in and the dude she sucked is walking around free. That dude better hope Misty don't find him after she gets out. Unless he enjoys being beaten in the face with a sock full of nickels.

Family Kept Dead Grandmother In Storage Unit For 17 Years

Here's a grisly story: A Florida family may be in trouble after revealing they kept their dead grandmother stashed in a storage unit for 17 years. The sick truth came to light when the family in question fell behind in paying the rent on the unit and the owner Kevin McKeon told them if they didn't pay up he'd start auctioning off the contents. A family member then confessed to McKeon that grandma's body was in the storage unit. A skeptical McKeon opened up the unit and found a coffin. He immediately called police who, after looking into the matter, confirmed the identity of the corpse.

Sick as this story is at least it has a happy ending: authorities have taken grandma's body out of the storage unit and will be disposing of it via an outfit that offers "indigent burials." At last grandma's corpse will get the treatment it deserves. Burial in a pauper's grave. That's better than being stashed in a storage unit by your cheap, lazy descendants. I hope grandma's ghost comes back and haunts those assholes.

Justin Bieber Honors Michael Jackson (Video)

I can't imagine anything being more uncomfortable than this. The part where Bieber calls Jackson "kind and gentle?" I cringed so hard it almost collapsed my ribcage. And at the beginning where Paris or whatever her name is says Michael would've wanted to be a mentor to Bieber? Now I have an image in my head of Michael Jackson taking off Justin Bieber's pants and touching his pee pee. Okay confession. I've had that image in my head for awhile. It is one of many images I can't chase from my mind no matter how many times I let these alleged medicinal spiders bite me. Whatever you do, don't buy medicinal spiders from a dude named Shifty Ralph. These are from Paraguay? Yeah right Shifty Ralph.

I can't believe Bieber's people even let him be a part of this. Bieber should be staying far away from that child toucher and his legacy. What's next? Justin Bieber called as a character witness for Jerry Sandusky? Justin Bieber lets Gary Glitter move in with him? Justin Bieber starts a charity for defrocked priests? It's time to organize a boycott. Nobody buy any Bieber stuff until he publicly apologizes for praising a man who molested children. Also, keep Paris Jackson away from him. She's trying to steal him away from Selena. Even as we speak she's plying him with Jesus Juice and whispering sweet nothings in his ear.

Demi Moore Is Addicted To Red Bull

Demi Moore has more dumb teenager addictions than a dumb teenager. She loves huffing nitrous oxide and she is totally hooked on Red Bull. And she only does sex in the butt because that way it's not as bad a sin. The slumber parties at her house must be really wild. I'm sorry but I can't respect a 49-year-old woman who chooses to ruin her health the same way a broke college student would. Grown-ups deal with stress by making themselves a Bloody Mary or sparking up a doobie. If they need to pull an all-nighter they find a coke dealer. Bored 15-year-olds swill energy drink and get high on nitrous.

You know what this silliness is all about of course. Demi is health-conscious and has herself convinced the Red Bull and nitrous oxide are less bad for her than booze and drugs. Sure. Until their combined effect causes you to collapse and begin twitching uncontrollably like Jett Travolta under fluorescent lights. Come on Demi, stop being an idiot. Just get wasted like a normal person. Of course it's bad for you but that's the point. If you don't like booze, just hit up Rumer for some weed. Are you worried about being a bad example? Ship sailed on that one honey.

Iowa City Man Arrested After Masturbating At Gym

Donald M. Fennelly was arrested after a woman accused him of masturbating in front of her at an Iowa City gym. The victim says she was running on a treadmill when she saw Fennelly whip out his penis and begin vigorously jerking. Surveillance video showed the woman fleeing and Fennelly stuffing his dick back in his pants. The cops soon caught up to Fennelly and found a baggie of marijuana in his residence. Fennelly was arrested on charges of indecent exposure and cannabis possession.

I know what you're thinking and you can stop. That mugshot is NOT me in 20 years. You people are mean. One of these days I won't be here anymore to entertain you for free and then what will you do? Interact with your loved ones? Finger yourself while watching Cupcake Wars? Work on your novel based on your crazy childhood? You NEED me. Admit it.

Watch A Bank Robber Shoot Himself In The Foot (Video)

The criminals in Brazil are just as dumb as the ones in America. This stupid bastard shot himself in the foot during a bank robbery. That's why Gustavo always watches the door. Gustavo's other big job is emptying the piss bucket at the hide out. And SOMEBODY thought it would be a good idea to give Gustavo a gun. Not naming names. Thiago! Now do you understand why we always gave Gustavo a wooden gun? He never would've known the difference! Now Gustavo has a hole in his foot. Even the old whore with the wooden leg laughs at Gustavo.

I've slipped into a fantasy world where I'm the head of a Brazilian bank robbery ring. What do you think I should do with Gustavo? Shoot him or chop his head off and mail it to his mother? You always knew it would come to this you pig. I SPIT ON YOU! I MAKE THE SIGN OF THE MONKEY AT YOU! I HURL OTHER VILE INSULTS AT YOU WHILE MAKING A NASTY FACE! Poor Gustavo. If only his father hadn't dropped him off that mountain onto his head.

Paula Deen Ate A Cheeseburger

TMZ has pictures of Paula Deen wolfing down a cheeseburger on a celebrity cruise ship. I'm disturbed by this news for two reasons. Firstly, there's the fact that people actually pay money to go on a cruise with "celebrities" like Paula Deen. Secondly, isn't Paula Deen supposed to be a spokeswoman for diabetes now? I don't think Paula understands her new job. You're not supposed to encourage people to get diabetes Paula, you're supposed to discourage them. If Paula became an AIDS spokesperson her first move would be telling junkies to share needles.

Suggestions are already pouring in that something more sinister than mere stupidness may be afoot here. Is it possible Paula is lying about having diabetes? She saw a Wilford Brimley ad and thought "Damn I gotta get in on that diabetes scam." Why let Wilford Brimley hog all the diabetes money? It was easy for Paula. Look at the horrific fried-and-butter-slathered food she's always pushed on people. No one would doubt she had diabetes. Okay Paula, time to put your cards on the table. Do you really have diabetes? Then show us your rotting feet. If you won't do that, then I'm afraid I'll have no choice but to brand you a liar. You don't mess with the Crabster, ho! I ain't a pansy like Anthony Bourdain. I will bitch-slap you.

Tom Took Suri To Disneyland

Suri needed a break from her ridiculous plastic fantasy life so Tom took her to Disneyland. Aaaaaaand that is a gay-ass outfit Tom. That shirt alone caused gaydar to explode from coast to coast. And then there's the green man-purse. By the way, Suri's face is not all busted up. She had hearts painted on it. Cause having someone paint hearts on your face is fun. You know what's not fun? Waiting all alone on a bench while your daddy talks to his friend in the bushes. What could they be talking about in there? Don't turn around Suri! Daddy told you never to turn around when he's talking in the bushes!

Why do I always get the feeling Suri would rather have her fingernails pulled out than hang with Tom? Is he that much of a drag? He must be the "strict" parent. As opposed to Katie who is the "lets her get away with everything including kicking homeless people and setting cars on fire" parent. Please tell me Tom didn't let her go on any rides after drinking that giant thing of soda. Please please please tell me he has more sense than that.

Armie Hammer Was Arrested For Having Marijuana Cookies

Now I know how Armie Hammer deals with the pain of being named "Armie." He chomps down marijuana cookies. Armie's big mistake was trying to drive through Texas with marijuana cookies in his car. Texas has a zero-tolerance policy toward famous people who transport marijuana products in their vehicles. Willie Nelson and Snoop Dogg have both been busted for having pot on their tour bus and now Armie's on that list too. Armie Hammer, cool pothead. That's better than, Armie Hammer, guy with goofy name who played twins in that one movie.

Armie it turns out was busted at the same border checkpoint where they got Snoop. A drug sniffing dog detected the marijuana odor and cops found the cookies. The DA ended up deciding not to prosecute because the cookies collectively weighed less than the four ounces necessary for a felony charge. So all the Texas cops got out of this was more bad publicity for Texas. And they still think it's worth the trouble to haul people in for marijuana? Isn't Ron Paul from Texas? Doesn't Ron Paul favor legalization? Can't Ron Paul use some of his alien powers to do something about this shit? Or is Ron Paul nothing but a little weird homophobic guy who spouts off about stuff? Very important questions for someone other than me to answer.