Shahrukh Khan Body Scans

Bollywood manmeat Shahrukh Khan (or Shah Rukh - I really wish people would make up their minds if there's supposed to be a space there) is not concerned about about people printing out his airport security body scans and passing them around, even though such activity could be very humiliating and is definitely highly illegal (the printouts are supposed to be destroyed immediately after being checked for signs of bombs and/or weapons).  According to Khan, only people who are not "well-endowed" should be worried about the scanners revealing what they look like naked (from this statement we can infer that Khan believes he is packing a python).  In fact, Khan is so confident in his body that, when he caught some people checking out his printouts, instead of notifying authorities, he signed the printouts.  He still wishes people would stop harassing him at airports just because his name is "Khan."

Angelina Haiti

Never fear suffering Haiti earthquake victims: Angelina is on the way.  The UN says she spent Monday in the Dominican Republic bestowing her healing presence on hospitals full of injured evacuees, and on Tuesday she will float across the border in a bubble of heavenly light and begin soothing the worries of the millions without limbs, homes or anything to wear but old stuff from Avril Lavigne's closet.  Children between the ages of one and five should begin lining up immediately, and remember kids, DO NOT WASH  YOUR FACES.  The more pathetic you look, the better chance you have of winning the Angelina lottery.

Challenger Video

For all these years, the only known video of the Challenger disaster was the official press stuff we've all seen a billion times.  And then this guy named Jack Moss revealed on his deathbed that he'd gotten video of the explosion with his Betamax camcorder and for some reason never told anyone about it.  Now that video has been added to the Space Exploration Archive, even though, technically, Challenger never got into space that particular day.  But there's no Blew Up Before Getting into Space Archive, so, close enough.

Iranian Punch

Iranian supreme leader Ayatollah Ofrocknrolla has reiterated President Mahmood Ahmadinejad's promise to unleash some kind of badness on the Western powers on February 11th, the anniversary of the Islamic revolution.  "The Iranian nation, with its unity and God's grace, will punch the arrogance [of the West powers] on the 22nd of Bahman [February 11] in a way that will leave them stunned," boasted the Ayatollah during a gathering of air force personnel.  In keeping with goathumper tradition, the Iranians are being incredibly coy about what exactly this "punch" will entail, leaving us poor arrogant Westerners to speculate and worry and start stocking up on duct tape.  To help with possible preparations for Armageddon, here are Crabbie's 10 best guesses as to what this "stunning" act might turn out to be:


10.  Literally, punch.  Made out of cheap fruit juice, not even Hawaiian Punch, and "gin" that is actually water flavored with pine needles.

9.  The Iranians will shoot one rocket 80 feet into the sky, then doctor the footage to make it look like they fired 100 missiles into orbit.


8.  They will finally produce proof that we built an earthquake machine and used it on them a couple of years ago.  And then used it again on Haiti so we could undertake our military takeover (Haiti being such a desirable target for a takeover).  And where did the proof come from?  The French, of course.


7.  Ahmadinejad posts pictures of his slumber party at Hugo Chavez's house on Facebook.  What could be more stunning than the sight of Mahmood, Hugo, Sean Penn and Oliver Stone in their pajamas playing spin-the-bottle?


6.  Iran announces that it's officially changing its name to The Fucked-Up Islamic Republic Where We Kill Our Own People in the Streets to Shut Them Up and All the Men Are Terrified of Vaginas.


5.  Before a shocked international audience, the Ayatollah reveals that American Idol is rigged.


4.  George Bush appears on-stage, alongside Ahmadinejad, and admits that the whole Axis of Evil thing was misguided and kind of silly.  They then bear-hug each other and scurry off to score some blow.


3.  They nuke Uganda, just for the fuck of it.


2.  Two words:  Goat orgy.


1.  The Iranians test a nuclear warhead out in the desert, and broadcast images of the mushroom cloud on satellite TV.  Barack Obama responds by sternly warning them not to do it again, or he will wag one of his freaky-long fingers at them.  Sarah Palin immediately jumps on Obama, accusing him of being soft on evil laundry-headed guys.  To get his plummeting approval ratings back up, Obama boots Joe Biden from the VP spot and replaces him with The Situation.  Then Obama is assassinated by a crazed Glenn Beck supporter, making The Situation president.  The rest of the world laughs so hysterically, it pisses off some aliens who vaporize us cause they can no longer stand the racket.  Such a dastardly plan, Iranians.  You really are evil fuckers.

Asshole Weatherman

Does this fuckwit think he's funny with this carrying on?  Asshole should've been fired.  Seriously, is there any such thing as professionalism in the media anymore?  Are they all just clowns?

Beyonce Falls

Like how Beyonce finesses this one, making it seem like she meant to go down to one knee.  Still can't believe people actually pay money to watch this chick shriek and gesticulate.

Palin Teabag Speech

A day after Barack Obama was called out by many for not knowing how to pronounce the word "corpsman," Sarah Palin got caught with cheat notes scrawled on her hand during a Q&A following a speech to some slobbering teabaggers.  So, which transgression is worse?  The Obama one, clearly, because people expect better of him.  We're used to the idea of Palin being an utter idiot, so the fact that she writes stuff on her hand is really no shock.  My only question to Sarah would be, why not just scrawl out some notes and have them on the podium?  Well, the answer to that is simple:  she knew people would notice if she used notes.  Dumb bitch thought she could sneak a look at her hand really slick without anyone being the wiser.  "See?  I don't need notes or a prompter.  I know this stuff unlike Obama and his crony O'Biden."  Yeah, Palin followers, that's how dumb she thinks you are.  Well, she's right...you are that dumb.  As dumb as the fools who think Obama is eloquent because he can (usually) read really well.  The sad thing about these asshats isn't that they're frauds, it's that they're so insultingly bad at being frauds.  Ronald Reagan...now there was a man who knew how to give a speech.  Sure, he was full of bullshit, but he sold it beautifully.  And if you want to see true eloquence, find some Teddy Roosevelt speeches.  Or Lincoln ones.  Those guys actually had some respect for their audience, were trying to elevate people with their words.  Palin and Obama?  They're just trying to put one over on us.  And they suck at it.